


this surrender, it feels like...

by breakaway71



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s15e09 The Trap, Love Confessions, M/M, Praying to Castiel (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:01:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22308349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breakaway71/pseuds/breakaway71
Summary: There's more Dean needs to say, and this is the easiest way to do it.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 17
Kudos: 95





	this surrender, it feels like...

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written an episode tag to this stupid show since season 7, and I haven't watched this stupid show since season 11 but HERE WE ARE. I'm sorry if this is terrible, but the show just gave me almost everything I've ever wanted for OVER TEN YEARS so this had to happen. IDEK. *waves hands*

_I heard your prayer,_ Castiel said, and Dean was glad for reasons both selfish and unselfish.

Unselfish, of course, because the words he’d spoken back in Purgatory had been true, and Castiel needed to hear them just as much as Dean needed to say them. They were things he should have said sooner, and he’s glad he finally did.

Selfish, because in some ways Dean is a goddamn coward, and it had been so much easier to say those words without Castiel’s steady gaze, in the illusion of privacy.

Which is why he’s now sitting on the edge of his mattress, hands folded together and head bowed, heart racing as he tries to bring forth the other words, the ones he’s held back for even longer. The ones he’s locked away so hard and for so long that he doesn’t know if he remembers how to say them, how to make his throat force them up or his mouth shape them.

“Cas?” he begins, too gruff. He clears his throat, but it doesn’t really help. “There’s no _if you can hear me_ this time, because I guess we both know you can. This feels stupid, because you’re in the damn kitchen right now and I could walk about thirty steps and say this to your face, but it’s easier this way, okay, so just stay there. I just…listen, there’s one more thing I gotta tell you and I don’t…I don’t know if it’s something you’ll want to hear or not, but if I don’t say it now I never will.”

Dean stops, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to remember how to breathe. How to think. How to speak.

“I…” Another pause, another deep breath. Heart still pounding, fight-or-flight in full effect even though adrenaline should not be required for this, right? Normal people don’t have this problem, do they? “I wanted to say…” This is torture, that’s what it is, and he can’t stop now because Cas will know he chickened out, Cas has already heard too much. There’s no getting out of it now, not in a way that would be believable. _Man the fuck up, Winchester._

“I love you.”

It punches out of him all in a rush, and there are tears hot in Dean’s eyes, tears that don’t make any goddamn _sense_ but are there anyway.

“I think…no, I _have_ for a long time, but you know how it is, how it’s been. One thing after another, never the right time, like there is a right time, so I just had to tell you now, because I’ve told you everything else. I know we have a fuckton of other problems to deal with. You can ignore this, just pretend I didn’t say anything if you want, I get it. I meant it before, though, you’re my best friend, and you deserve…” _Everything._ “…to know the truth. So that’s it.”

That’s it, that’s all Dean has it in him to vocalize, and he blows out another harsh breath and opens his eyes, staring at the floor as he waits for…something.

The something comes only a moment later, with a careful knock on his door, followed by a hard one against his ribs.

“Dean?” Castiel says, voice hesitant as he inches the door open. Dean looks up at him, fists clenching and unclenching in his lap, not sure if he should reach out or hide. When he stands, his legs feel like jelly, and he’s scared in a way he never is when hunting monsters.

Castiel’s eyes meet his, and for what feels like an eternal moment, they simply stare at each other, before Castiel steps in fully and lets the door fall shut behind him. He takes a step forward, then another, until he’s right in Dean’s space, right where he belongs. He reaches out, his hand finding Dean’s shoulder, and there hasn’t been a handprint there in years but Dean swears he can feel it still, lighting him up from the inside out even as that hand moves up to instead cradle his jaw. Castiel’s smile is slow, like a sunrise, and his eyes are shining when he closes them and bends his forehead to touch Dean’s. His breath, when he speaks, ghosts across Dean’s lips.

“I heard your prayer.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Poets of the Fall's _Angel_. Feel free to come scream at me on [tumblr](https://breakaway71.tumblr.com), I don't post much SPN these days but I'm always happy to be yelled at/with about it. :D


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